Reflections on the TTC Facilitators’ Training & Beyond…
The TTC training was an amazing experience for me in many ways.
I loved seeing L and G work their magic as facilitators, given that I typically see them in their roles as TTC administrators and as my (and Cathy’s) extended family. I really do think they shine in circle.
I loved experiencing TTC ‘in circle,’ as opposed to ‘from the office.’ It’s such a privilege to help run TTC as an administrator, but circle definitely brings the whole organization to life for me. I feel even more committed than ever to our goal of creating a safe space for young people to tell the truth.
I also cherished the opportunity to revisit my teen years in circle with a group of new (and, in some cases, not so new!) friends who were also speaking from the heart. I think I realized just how much I still have left to feel and ‘process’ from those years – which is a bit overwhelming, but also a very good realization to have at this point in my life. And, once again, I am incredibly grateful that I was able to have that realization with all of the new friends I made that weekend. There’s nothing like a deep, heartfelt conversation to draw people together and bond them at the level of the soul.
Another realization that hit home over the last weekend: I need to ratchet down the intensity of my life! I think I came out here from the other side of the country with such a burning desire to invest myself in work that I felt really mattered, work that would have a more immediate impact on the world, that once I started learning about opportunities to do that kind of work, I jumped at each and every chance. (This is not to say that I didn’t on some level love the work I was doing in grad school while I was there. After all, there were reasons why I came to Notre Dame in the first place. I still love a great conversation about history and philosophy of science, ethics, Darwin, and many of the other things I studied. And, quite frankly, sometimes I miss being a student because I love to learn. But I think the major lesson in the last year is that grad school is not (at least in the context of my life) worth all the personal compromises I had to make, nor is it the only venue through which I can learn. If I had to venture a guess, I would say that I’m meant to learn in a more immediate, hands-on, in-the-world kind of way, and that I’m meant to do work that’s more humanitarian in nature, probably somewhere I can’t even imagine right now.)
Fast forward a few months, and I now find myself doing a combination of paid and volunteer work for three organizations (all of which I love and have a deep respect for), going on weekend adventures with my housemates, growing into a permanent member of my community, and trying to figure out ‘what’s next,’ or, perhaps more appropriately, ‘what makes sense in the long term.’ It’s exhilarating, it’s exciting, it’s incredibly rewarding – but, all of it also takes time and energy, and these are precious commodities that I was having increasingly less of the longer I’m out here. It finally dawned on me that ‘workaholic’ Erica was getting the better of ‘reasonable’ Erica’s healthier intentions.
It was time to sit down and really think through what I want, and to do some prioritization.
This task proved to be quite difficult and even painful. To some extent I really do wish I could be a person with infinite time and energy at her disposal. I really do wish I were able to give, do, and serve entirely, without exception, without needing to be replenished, because when I find something I love, I jump ‘all-in,’ without reservation, without looking back, without taking a moment to stop and think about whether what I’m doing is sustainable. I still think that that’s a beautiful intention, but the universe is forcing me to come to terms with the fact that I can’t hold myself to that standard as if it were attainable in all ways, all the time.
It’s time to choose. It’s time to orient my life in such a way that it more directly mirrors my values, priorities, passions, and goals, rather than trying to live as if it were possible to be everything for everyone and every cause that I believe in. And, at least at the outset, that means admitting my finitude, and doing something I don’t like at all: disappointing some people.
I began by making a list of things I do for myself on days when I’m genuinely caring for myself. It was an amazing list: it contained everything from listening to music and reading poetry, to creating the possibility that I can be comfortable in my body. Sadly, many of the items on that list are things I’ve been all-too-ready to leave out of my days in favor of burning the midnight oil for the sake of more work than I can handle. Truth be told, I miss those things, and I don’t like having a faint reminder like this of what it was like when I was a full-time grad student.
I also made the decision to devote myself more fully to TTC (which means more money for me and more of an opportunity to make great things happen for that organization), work solely as a contractor on a case-by-case basis for TCLP, and seriously reduce the list of tasks I take on at GCJ (while still serving as a board secretary). With any luck, these choices will give me back a lot of time. Some of that time I will re-invest into some kind of additional paid work situation, simply so that I can do things like pay back my student loans with a vengeance and buy quality ingredients to cook and bake amazing vegan food for myself and the people I love. But, perhaps more importantly, a good chunk of that time is purely for me: to do things like sleep (perchance to dream), read, write, create playlists, laugh, play outside in the rain, play with the Ally cat, talk even more with Cathy, hone my photography skills, daydream about India, stay in touch with long-distance friends and family, put together a kick ass Peace Corps application, & etc.
This weekend I head to Oregon with Cathy for the TCLP introductory training. I know better than to try to predict anything specific, but I know that it will be yet another amazingly transformative experience. As I’ve described it to some people: last weekend was about taking care of ‘teen Erica,’ this weekend is about taking care of ‘adult Erica.’
In a way, it’s somewhat overwhelming to think about doing two trainings that proceed with such emotional intensity, back-to-back, in the way that I am. I worry that I might end up emotionally drained, especially considering that it’s taken me most of this week to truly transition out of the space I was in over the weekend, back into ‘real life.’ But, on the other hand, I think it is time to do this work and to gather these speaking and listening skills. I feel as though much of the emotional work I’ve been doing to date has been leading up to precisely this.
Moreover, I’m taking a trip back to Chicago and South Bend during October 7-13, and something tells me there is more to this timing than I may have realized when I was first making plans. Initially, there was nothing more to my decision regarding the dates, other than that I wanted my trip to occur after the trainings and before Cathy’s upcoming journey to Japan. But now I realize that the work I’m doing in the trainings is absolutely necessary in order to prepare me to actually be in Chicago and South Bend, since a part of why I’m going there at all is so that I can make peace with what have become extremely emotionally loaded locations for me.
Yes, of course, I can’t wait to see friends, eat amazing food, sleep in, visit new pockets of a city I love (Chicago), and go to the VeganMania festival. But, again, the last couple of years of my life would haunt my time in Chicago and SB whether I intended them to or not. There’s no denying that a ton has gone down, despite the fact that it can be easy (at times) to completely forget what all has happened, given that I live somewhere completely new, and that my life is so full and happy for the first time in a long time. So, it makes sense to me to confront it all head-on, while also taking a lot of time to just have fun. The intention is to weave a week of simply feeling some really hard feelings together with a week of running amok in an old stomping ground.
Journey without Maps 